maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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