my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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