Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
