I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Randomize
