Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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