I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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