i permit you to call me
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
