the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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