Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
