Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I'm having to shit out rocks
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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