WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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