I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
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I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
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Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.