she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
