Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
