I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
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