my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
