I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
