ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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