I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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