I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
