I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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