i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Be still, my beating vagina.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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