Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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