Soap is not a condiment
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
