my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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