Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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