I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
