I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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