I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
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It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
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How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
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