Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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