please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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