i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
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He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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