got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
