I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
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