I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
