During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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