I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
