Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
