i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
