why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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