I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
