Im at strip club and am horny
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
