And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
