Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
