Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Randomize