Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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