I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
