i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize