I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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