i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
