I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
