you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
