In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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