Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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