Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
