So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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