What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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